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Archive for October, 2011

Steps

The gentle waves of memories new
The sound of dreams I won’t pursue
The feel of your hand into mine
The thread of lives so intertwined

The pull of demons from the past
The cry of love that will not last
The loud, harsh slam of my front door
Your footsteps fade, as rain still pours.

~~

I struggled quite a bit with the last line in this poem. Initially, I had

“The loud, harsh slam of my front door
Your steps retreating into the gore.”

But this last line had nine syllables in it, and I needed eight to make it flow. So then I came up with,

“The loud, harsh slam of my front door
Your fading steps pierce through my core.”

But this one just didn’t fit in with the rest of the poem. So then I wrote,

“The loud, harsh slam of my front door
Waves washing your steps, from the shore.”

But this one flowed differently from the rest of the poem; so eventually, I settled on

“The loud, harsh slam of my front door
Your steps fading, as rain still pours.”

And I must admit, I still feel dissatisfied.
I feel as if there is another line that could end the poem more nicely.
However, I noticed that each line I decided to not use had the word “Steps” in it, so from that, I named my poem “Steps”.

How about you, are there any lines that you think could have a better ending to this poem?
Let me know!

-Pancakebliss

*****January 5th, 2012
HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE! I’VE FOUND THE PERFECT LAST LINE FOR THIS POEM! I’VE ADDED IT ON, AND I THINK IT WORKS BETTER THAN ANYTHING ELSE I’VE COME UP WITH! THIS IS TRULY AN AMAZING FEAT FOR ME! CHECK IT OUT!! 😀

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A red balloon, A silver light
The fearlessness to want to fight
The long climb up the jagged rocks
The jump off of the broken dock

It flies away, It trickles in
The power’s bottled up again
Losing grip, to hit the floor
Into the blue, to Nevermore.

~~
Into the blue, to Nevermore. <<< To me, this line means to fall into something brand new; something that frightens you to the core of your soul, and to never again look back. To just keep swimming and treading the water until maybe you find where you want to go. But, until then, don't look back. Never look back.

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The crying of a widow in the silence of the night
Reaching through the pain to try to run, try to fight
But something in the shadows pulled her right out of our sight
By a monster or a demon in the darkness of the night

Like a ribbon or a poppy it was brighter than bright red
His blood poured from his wound and tainted his death bed
The fact that she was lost made no sense in his head
He closed his eyes and prayed as he was swallowed by the dead

The demons laughed and danced, as we came onto the scene
Your arm around my waist and on your shoulder I did lean
Nothing could’ve stopped me as I drew my breath to scream!
When the demons pulled us under and ripped you far away from me

I hit the ground and wiped blood off my sweaty, pallid face
I stood and ran as they laughed and sang, searching for my place
Then there she was, a bloody mess, the loser of the race
My spirit broke, and I was gone – broken and displaced.

You fought their grip, and chased me down, stopped the rattling of my bones
Your eyes were red, as you fought them off, to desperately atone
But soon enough they took you too, and I was left alone
In my white cell made of padded bricks, turning into stone.

~~

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