I know, I’m a terrible person who does not post very often.
BUT, if any of you are bookworms like me, I have written a sonnet adaptation of the book “Train Man.” Check it out!
My reflection is crooked, it hides in the sun
Who was I before I first spoke aloud?
I’ve morphed from nobody into someone
I now raise my eyes when lost in a crowd
She’s just like her teacups, delicate, rare
And mirrors don’t bend to her quiet gaze
Her smile is like stars, her skin soft and fair
The moon smiles back, at her sweet blushing face
She, unlike me, is fervent symmetry
Her slender hand in my misshapen glove
With her I stand straight, I finally see
Although we’re uneven, is this still love?
Though my hair is now short, clothes hip and chic
How much can I change? Inside, I’m a geek
And now, I shall give an update about my life.
So, I’m gonna be honest here, I’m going through a bit of a rough patch.
I think it’s mostly because I’ve lost confidence in the things I like to do.
If you asked me two years ago what I thought I was good at, and who I wanted to be, I would’ve told you that I am a good writer, and that I wanted to grow up and be a published author.
But now, as I’m surrounded by a sea of other writers, much of whom are much, much better than myself… I realize the mediocrity of my work. More than that… I realize the mediocrity of my existence.
I try SO HARD. I give everything that I do one hundred and twenty-one percent, but I feel like it’s getting me nowhere, I FEEL LIKE I’VE ACCOMPLISHED NOTHING.
It’s come to the point where I can’t sleep… I can’t eat… I CAN’T BREATHE without it feeling like a STAB in the part of my brain that’s supposed to be motivating me… a STAB of disappointment… and regret.
I wish I did more. I WISH I COULD DO MORE!
I want to be the person who gets up at 6 am, changes the world, and falls asleep at night, fully satisfied. I don’t want to be this person, the person who I am right now, the person drowning in short-comings and failed interviews and just… this miserable MISERABLE PERSON.
I’m haunted, and I can’t shake my ghosts.
I’ve also… I’ve become infatuated. There’s this guy… (there’s always a guy, right?) he’s so driven. He knows what he wants, and he goes out and gets it. He’s not like me, nervously standing on the threshold of my desires. He walks through the door, and he doesn’t leave until he’s pried what he wants out of the cold, dead hands of anyone trying to stop him.
He inspires me.
Although, we get into a lot of fights… he’s a classic Politics major, full of bullshit and only thinking about the cold, hard facts. I, on the other hand, am your classic English major. I am also full of bullshit, but my bullshit is actually legitimate, and am more driven by artistic inspiration and things that make you go ‘aweee’ than cold hard facts. I could care less about the facts.
He’s a numbers man. I am a woman of words.
But what I would give to just tell him that even though I think he’s an absolute DICK, he still inspires me, and his optimism, and his enthusiasm make me want to be better.
… and then, after I’ve tried to be better, and I’ve failed …I feel like crap.
Is this his fault? Am I comparing myself to him so much that I’m hating who I am?
There’s this line in a Hedley song (Johnny Falls) that goes, “I won’t hate myself to be loved by you.” I think it is the most beautiful line I have ever heard in any song ever.
I just… I never really realized how truly mortal I was… how short my time is… how much I want it to mean something. And how much I’m just failing at every aspect of trying to be something bigger than myself.
I am inspired by many things, and now, I just want to be inspirational. I want my existence to mean something. I want to feel like I’m not your average Plain Jane girl, walkin’ down the street, doin’ nothin’ with her life.
Will I ever figure out who I want to be?